fully known, fully loved

My Very Own Saint

2011-02-03T14:30:00.004-06:00

I have realized how I am high-maintenance in my relationships. I process my very busy internal world by blathering. Sometimes senselessly. (Sorry.) I just got off the phone with my dear friend Summer. A very small decision needed to be made. By small, I mean literally the difference between sandwiches and pizza. (Sorry, Summer.) A ten minute conversation could have been captured in one question to my very wise, very patient friend. "Is it too much to ask parents to donate a pizza?" That would take four seconds to say and probably four seconds for my very decisive, very patient friend to answer. This equals eight seconds. Instead I took up nine minutes and 52 seconds of extra air time. (Sorry, Summer.) That is 592 seconds of my very busy, very patient friend's life she can never get back. Not to mention how much of that was me interrupting my own half sentences. "Subway has their $5 foot...but...yeah...no...pizza would...well...still...yeah...our boys eat entire footlongs for a meal. That's a lot of sandwiches." (Sorry, Summer.) So my very gentle, very patient friend is forced to say a lot of things like "Help me know where you're going with this". And sometimes she even takes the blame herself. "I am not doing a very good job following you." But we all know it's really me. (Sorry, Summer.)

Be warned. Blather is the price of admission to be my friend. I gotta do my thang, yo'.

You know what they say. Fully known, fully loved.

(Thank you, St. Summer.)

Random Mind-Purge

2011-01-18T22:57:00.002-06:00

*Went to the dollar theatre to see Megamind yesterday. Funny movie in a low-key kind of way. The kids and I talked about how most of the funny lines weren't quite funny enough to be memorable, but also funny enough that we're frustrated by that because we want to remember. Make sense?

*Our tree is still up. I can't bear taking it down. Plus it's one of my least favorite things to do. We are risking our lives every minute the fire-hazard remains in our living room. I promise to have it down by February 1st.

*We finished reading The Dawn Treader tonight so we're all set to see the movie. Can't wait! I will try not to set myself up for disappointment over the movie's depiction of the Dufflepuds. Because it doesn't matter how much we laughed when we read that chapter. Nope, it doesn't. We'll just take them as they come on the big screen and be supersuperthankful that we get to see a movie. No expectations here at all. Zippo.

*Sophie is working her little hiney off creating a sugar cookie masterpiece for the chance to become Snowcoming Queen. It's adorable. A cute little winter scene complete with cobblestone path and a giant red mushroom. Red mushrooms make things whimsical. So does a little cookie man making snow angels in the frosting.

*OH! Speaking of Sophie...she and I watched a WONDERFUL four-part BBC series on Netflix called Wives & Daughters. Absolutely loved it! We even watched some parts more than once. We also enjoyed some thoughtful chats about the gentility of bygone days. I think I shall try to be more mannerly. I think I shall also try to use the word "shall".

*My Ian giggles so much when he reads Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. It melts my heart in the worst way. *ache*

*I am not one to advocate Little Debbie snacks in any way, but for a moment I would like to take that back and say you simply must try her Peppermint Swiss Rolls. By "her", I mean Debbie because something compels me to treat her as if she's a real person. Who will always be little in my mind.

*One of my Christmas gifts this year was the book Has Christianity Failed You? by Ravi Zacharias. It is blowing my mind ala G.K. Chesterton and C.S. Lewis. I am only halfway through the second chapter and, though it hurts my brain terribly, I totally love it. It's a good hurt.

*My little man Leo has been playing on the Ballard basketball team for the first time ever in his life. SO adorable. He has learned a lot and is just the most enthusiastic little Bomber. I am going to be sad when it's over. He would hate to hear me calling him a "little Bomber". Shhhhhh.....

*Some day I'm going to post the recipe for the Spanish Chicken & Rice that I love so much. At first I typed "Rick".

*I have learned something pretty fundamental about myself when it comes to friendship. Above almost everything, I value openness. I tend to assess (not that I am at all in the habit of doing so with ANY regularity) the closeness of a friend based on how openly we share with one another. Our hearts, our thoughts, our opinions, our joys. All of those kinds of things. But also - and this is where the rubber tends to meet the road for me - our sorrows, our fears, our insecurities, our "dark side". Our imperfect marriage and children. Our frustration with one another at times. Our messiness. Our normalness. That is a treasure to me.

*It is freezing cold in our house. Yowza.

*We have a secret. You already know it, Manda, you just don't know it's a secret. DON'T GIVE IT AWAY. (It's not anything very interesting, but I like having it as a secret. I think. It's actually very silly. Not even any kind of official secret. I am just making it one for now.)

*Trader Joe's makes decent whole wheat naan.

*OH NO! It's potluck Sunday. I just remembered. I need a plan now. I'm going to make one. Right here in this very blog post. Entree: Poppyseed Chicken. Side: *cricket*. I'll come back to this one. Dessert: Snack-Pack Pudding. (Hey, don't knock it. The kids love it, a 12-pack is cheaper than most desserts I make and I have a busy weekend.) Side: *cricket*. Seriously, what is it with cotton-pickin' side dishes that they cause me such distress? Fine. Grocery list: sour cream, 2 cans cream of chicken soup, Ritz crackers, pudding (*pumps fist*), aaaaaand...broccoli slaw, rice vinegar, raisins, red onion and almonds. Because I'm going to make up a salad of some sort that includes those things. Done! Wow. I feel so empowered when I have a plan.

*Here is one clue to our secret: We have a large pickle jar stationed on our kitchen counter. (I don't believe this is really a clue at all since it would be such a shot in the dark, but giving a clue makes it more secret-like and more fun for me.)

*I am adjusting to our Mara being a big city girl. The city girl part is not an adjustment. The part about her NOT LIVING HERE ANYMORE is the adjustment. Oh dear, do we miss her. I am so thankful she has a lovely life. She has pierced her nose. Her hair is black. And green now, too. And she's having her sister design a tatoo for her foot. So if you see her, don't fear that she's gone off on a streak of rebellion. In the words of that Irish guy-singer I saw on a morning show today whose name I've forgotten, her life is "brilliant". And includes alotalot of Jesus.

*I have in my hot little hand (figuratively) over $200 worth of curtains from West End for a mere $33 and some change. Do you know what this means? I will have curtains in my living room for the first time in the history of ever. And want to know something else? They're completely decorative. Totally non-functional. I relish this with great delight for some reason. We are going to be just as exposed as ever. Go ahead. Drive by. At night. When we're having a dance party in the living room. You'll see. Into our living room.

*My non-functioning curtains reminds me of something I find quite annoying about interior design television shows. I find it really unfortunate that things like granite and marble and travertine have become the expected norm in middle-class homes. Really? I would MUCH rather use a standard, laminate countertop and "cheap" hardwood laminate floors to stretch my remodeling/decorating dollars. It could mean I am able to update an entire additional room in my home or replace the worn-out furniture that's going to sit on top of the new carpet or PAY OFF THE MINI-VAN. I hope there are some shows for "cheap" people because I think it's wonderful to put the effort into making our homes lovely and inviting, but not to the tune of four years worth of college tuition for an updated kitchen.

*We already have a paid-off mini-van. I was just making a point.

*I need to get warm now. I'm all tense from shivering. I shall end this blog post now. *curtsy*

Landslide

2010-12-31T11:31:00.002-06:00

The most painful, vulnerable thing I have ever experienced is to be disregarded by someone I love. Not just forgotten a time or two, but the realization that they really don't want to be around me the way I want to be around them. It is one thing not to be needed, which is uncomfortable enough to work through, but to not be wanted...I can't find a word for that.

Hi Mom!

2010-08-19T20:11:00.002-05:00

I'm down with this, yo. It's cute.

I assume you're changing the color of the font, right?

Yes, my mom is fixing my broken blog. Oh, the things we do for our 40-year old children... ;)

Currently at the top of My Favorite Things...

2010-08-19T08:55:00.002-05:00

1. My green Keens. My feet are so in love. I already fantasize about having another pair and which color/style I would choose, which is ridiculous for me to even entertain because they are so stinkin' expensive. Doesn't that prove it's true love? That I would risk sound stewardship for some....shoes?

2. Ellipsis...it allows me to write the way I talk...or at least make the attempt...it works in my head at least.

3. Uncle Wendell's BBQ. Where have you been all my life, Wendell?

4. Marty Casey. This is the closest I will ever get to being one of those crazed Beatles fans. And, technically, I'm over it. But youTube has a way of dredging up the past and I unashamedly admit to watching every single Marty Casey video from RockStar:INXS the other day. I don't care about his other videos. I don't really care about Marty Casey either, but man I loved that show when it aired.

5. Unflooded basements. They're the cat's meow.

On another note...

2010-08-19T03:09:00.001-05:00

this blog is in desperate need of repair. It's in such technical shambles. Squatters may take over soon.

Don't let the tough exterior fool you...

2010-08-19T01:40:00.005-05:00

It's been lots of days. I don't know how many exactly. Lots. Enough to adjust one would think. That's all that matters in this little story.

The apartment is supercute. I mean, SOO-PURR-KEWT. Her candle-lighting, toilet-cleaning, toaster oven-cooking, barstool-assembling self is as happy as a lark. And should be. She has her own refrigerator magnets after all.

And her $5 decorative branches from IKEA.

Don't forget her library of seven DVDs.

I would be remiss in not mentioning the Babushka doll salt'n'pepper shakers. Cupcake soap. Her own tiny junk drawer. Rice paper lamp. Her prize Hawkeye Snugli. Snuggi? Whatever. She even has two totem poles. *fist pound to our Cherokee people*

God has led her to an amazing new body of believers. Ohmyland, am I thankful for that.

Did I mention my former 'hood is her new stomping ground? Yeah. It's awesome. She can cruise Ingersoll, frequent the original Campbell's, walk to the Art Center, buy kosher meats at the tiny Jewish grocer and then walk around the corner and have some dirty hashbrowns at the Waveland. She can jog down the very boulevard I tp'd as a teenager. She is blocks from the sandwich I ate every week for three years. (Shout out to Suzie's Surprise!) She can feed the geese at the same cemetery pond where I fed geese. And I know in my heart they are the sons and daughters of the exact geese I fed. *cue Circle of Life*

She can be safe.

She loves it and I am thrilled. Truly and deeply. I am so at rest. Truly. And deeply.

And yet there is this tightness in my chest. A wet spot on my cheek that comes from nowhere. A sharp lump in my throat. Or my heart. I am learning there is really not much difference.

Lean in so you can hear this, Little Blog...sometimes I catch myself not breathing. True story. So far Someone always bypasses that tricky diaphragm of mine and reminds me to take a gulp of air. Or two. Or three.

I know lots of moms sending their sons and daughters off to college. We have not been a part of that universal exodus. My little bird has already left our nest. My heart is going out to each of them though. I want to care for them and check on them and be there for them. And so I will, swallowing that pesky lump as I go.

I am glad we had this chat, Little Blog. Let's just keep that whole breathing thing between you and me.

Hello, Insecurity...

2010-03-16T23:43:00.002-05:00

I am almost finished with Beth Moore's new book, So Long, Insecurity, and let me just say that I have never in my life been as insecure about my insecurities as I am right now. I should have known. She admitted to this very thing herself, so I should have seen it coming. But, oh buddy, I had no idea it would hit this hard. I would laugh if it weren't so cotton-pickin' painful and humiliating. OK, typing that made me laugh which confirms there is hope for the future. *laugh*

In an effort to be transparent, I'm going to start listing some of my common psychotic tendencies. Keep in mind this list is not exhaustive even though each and every one of these has completely exhausted me at one time or another. I'm not even sure what's going to come out of this brainstorm so it could get interesting.

*I wonder if I'm a horrible cook if I bring home leftovers from our monthly church potluck. I already KNOW I am not a horrible cook, but it doesn't keep me from wondering.

*When I watch the relating going on between the adults and students at Overflow, I am convinced I am the world's worst youth leader. On the planet. This very, very large planet. I have actually reasoned that I shouldn't quit because I can at least do the grunt work so that all the other wonderful youth leaders will be freed up to do all of their wonderful youth leading.

*If I pour my heart (or brain) out to someone in an email, even a very close friend, and I get no response, I tend to convince myself they are freaked out by my obnoxious candor and their non-response is the least confrontational way they can think to maintain healthy boundaries.

OK, I've decided three examples is enough. Reading it in black and white is...so much worse. *laugh* Father God, you've got your work cut out for you.

Current Stream of Consciousness

2010-03-16T00:30:00.002-05:00

I am just going to let it tumble out freely with no restrictions. I apologize in advance for where that may take us...*laugh*

The latest I Can't Believe It's Not Butter ad campaign has got to be the most ridiculous thing on television. Seriously? Is this for real?

I miss my Grams. Would it be completely wrong to ditch my husband and children and hitch a ride to her farm with my parents? Over Easter weekend? Maybe we should just all go. The farm could boast a pretty awesome Easter egg hunt, that's for sure.

Something is wrong with my neck.

I may regret typing that last thing.

Pancakes. They are awesome. For some reason, I want to eat some with butter and raspberry syrup. Right now. It's OK, though, because there are no pancakes OR raspberry syrup here.

I like Gerard Butler.

I don't like our current educational system. What a farce. A soul-extinguishing, family-destroying corruption. There. I said it. I don't feel quite this strongly on most days, but I'm posting this TODAY and I did say I was going to let tumble out in its most natural state.

I think I would like to do some crafts with the boys tomorrow. Maybe watercolor painting. Or pastel drawing. Something.

I have two daughters going to prom this year. I am excited for them. They are going to have so much fun dressing up and I am glad they get to go together.

It's very late now.

Today in Words...

2010-02-25T01:27:00.002-06:00

Three posts in one day. I know. Weird. But I'm not sleepy and I have some things swimming in my brain.

*I am reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. Very good so far. Read something today that was exactly the truth I need. I love it when that happens.

*I made granola today. My kids are excited.

*All prepared for Bible study. It's one of my favorite feelings.

*Also sort of reading Captivating. "Sort of" because I don't have a copy. Both Mara and Sophie are reading it right now and I occasionally snag one of their copies and do some reading of my own. It resonates. Enough that I am pondering/praying over inviting some people to officially read it with me.

*Little Caesar's has come to Ames. This makes me happy. Crazy Bread makes me happy.

*I am having some painful back issues. Grrrrr. I wish I didn't have such high tolerance for pain and discomfort. It makes it difficult for me to discern when it's time to see a doctor.

*An internet friend from New Zealand has lost a tremendous amount of weight and now he is appearing on local talk shows. I am so excited for him. His name is Kepa Tairua. And I know how to pronouce it correctly.

*I think I grow attachments to people too easily. Or something like that. I don't know any other way to be, though. Lord, show me my heart in this and then if need be replace it with Yours.

*I love menu planning. I used to do it every week on a website for stay at home moms. Tomorrow we are having frozen pizza because there is a basketball game. Frozen pizza is not so compelling. *laugh*

Sleep needs me now.

Hahahaha...

2010-02-24T23:53:00.002-06:00

The date is messed up on the last post because I just now posted it even though I wrote it some time ago. The only reason this is funny to me is because the point of the post was to post drafts and it too was a draft for about four weeks. This is actually not funny at all. I'm just explaining and for some reason called it funny, even though it was only just mildly amusing. If that. And who am I explaining this to? Uhhhhh...no one. It's just me in here.

Time to leave the nest, Little Drafts...

2010-01-25T07:33:00.005-06:00

I noticed all of these drafts and thought I'd just post them in their unfinished state. There are probably various reasons they were never posted. I may have been interrupted or it might be that I didn't have the mental energy to turn it into something remotely readable. I tend to get the writing itch when I'm feeling burdened by something that is larger than my words at the moment. That's not so terribly convenient, is it? *laugh*

Draft No. 1
12/11/09 a small vent...tiny in fact

Y'know those "perfect" people who tend to be held up as a shining example of Everything? It's very frustrating to some of us Ordinary Folk when we are privy to the fact that the Shining Examples are not so shining after all. (They never are.) And my beef isn't with the Shining Examples themselves so much as the people that want to put them on a pedestal. Can't you just let them be normal? Who wants to live under that kind of pressure?

(I wish I had typed the rest of this because I'm totally curious how it would have ended. Huh.)

Draft No. 2
3/09/09 It's becoming clear...

I am not a blog person.

(Obviously, this one remained a draft because it was short, sweet and completely pointless. *laugh*)

Draft No. 3
9/29/09 A time for everything...

I'll just test this out and see how I feel about it after a short while.

A significant portion of my life was lived in secret. I hid a lot of things too painful for me to ever share. As a result, I am particularly sensitive to things that seem "hidden". I simply can't ever live that way again because it almost cost me my life. So what for one person may be a simple issue of privacy, for me is a radical undoing of my past. It may very well be that it is my lot in life for the consequence of my past sin. It also may be that it was God's intention for me from the very beginning. That I was made for a certain candor. It really matters very little since the outcome is the same.

I am a person who regularly, as part of life-maintenance, needs a somewhat radical shift in priorities. What can I say? I get off track. Sometimes it is a mere realization, sometimes a gentle rerouting, and other times it involves pulling the plug entirely. I am doing all three right now. *laugh*

I kid that I have ADD, but there are parts of my that often suspect it to be true. Maybe I'll get that checked one day. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm not better about going to the doctor.

(TOTALLY remember this day. See how long this draft is? And how it finds itself all over the map? Yeah, well, those seemingly unrelated paragraphs would have eventually achieved cohesion. "Eventually" being the operative word. "Eventually" as in "after four hours of backspacing through two hours of mental unload". TOTALLY remember this day.)

Well, this has been interesting. And now I am going to delete those drafts so things can be much tidier in here.

Coming uncorked...

2010-01-09T09:39:00.002-06:00

Y'know that feeling when your heart and mind are about to explode? Yeah? That's where I'm at.

On 1/5/10 I almost died...

2010-01-06T00:18:00.002-06:00

Soooooo...yeah. Leo enjoys coffee, which is simultaneously cute and worrisome. Our arrangement is that he may brew coffee, with permission, and it must be decaf. Oh, and he has to make enough for me to have some too. So today, like many others, he asks to make a pot of coffee, I say yes, and so on and so forth. The cream in the fridge is about to turn so I decide to indulge myself and instead of my normal mug, I use one of Scott's larger travel mugs. Twice. I did say "indulge", remember?

I woke up with a massive headache this morning and feeling physically spent in general (another story altogether...), but I find myself gradually feeling worse as the minutes pass. And then I start feeling what I imagine a panic attack might be like (I have had one in my life which, too, is another story altogether...). My heart is pounding in my chest, I can't breathe, my eyes go a bit fuzzy and the room starts to rock. After several random episodes of this, it occurs to me "that was not decaf". I ask Leo. He says, "Oh. Yeah." *stare*

I have been caffeine-free for...oh...elevenish years now? Something like that? For this very reason. *stare*

Needless to say, I spent the day feeling like I ought to be in the emergency room. It's been about fifteen hours and I am finally feeling somewhat normal.

On the upside, if you must endure the Department of Motor Vehicles, it might be a good idea to go when you feel like you're going to die. You don't seem to comprehend the crazy-long wait when you're trying to keep your heart from popping out of your chest. You also don't completely comprehend that you were "lost in the computer" nor do you care that you look like a criminal in your new photo.

By the way, Osama and Denzel renewed their licenses today as well. Their pictures turned out nice.

Retreating...

2010-01-04T13:33:00.003-06:00

Attended Impact 2010 in Des Moines with 25 awesome high school students and 3 amazing leaders. Here is a random summary in list form because it's so much easier to unload the jumble in my brain when I don't need to find a way to tie it all together in a narrative.

1. Jarrod Jones

2. Rooms on the 22nd floor. Broken elevators. Student in wheelchair. Thank you, Lord, for people who know how to fix things that are broken. Eventually.

3. 1 Corinthians 13:7 Lord, help me to persevere in love. Help ME to PERSEVERE in LOVE. *pounds head on table*

4. Before I state the following, I want to say,"IT WAS ALL WORTH IT AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN." I took six Ibuprofen the morning after rollerskating. As soon as the retreat was over yesterday, I allowed myself to actually feel the even more intense aftermath and ended up taking 1/2 a stolen Darvocet. (Stolen from Mara's wisdom tooth prescription. Not stolen from, say, a MediCap pharmacy. Christmas trees? Yes. Pharmaceuticals? No.)

5. Talked too much in small group. Ugh. Why must I do that? *sigh* I really am awful at leading small groups. Seriously. I should be banned from ever doing that. *laugh*

6. Tasty pastries!

7. Northwestern's Black V has two very funny members. Just two, though. Or maybe I was just tired?

8. Pens don't particularly care for glossy paper. That might be a little known fact.

9. Buzzword!

10. Drunken hotel guests. Thank you, Lord, that I had no students with me on the most awkward elevator ride of my life. *laugh*

11. Spaghetti Works!

12. Family turmoil. It's not so convenient having your heart break when you can't come home.

13. Minato is adorable. She squeaks and sighs a lot when she wakes up.

14. Dear Wendy,

I apologize in advance for giving you a hotel bill with a big grease spot. It is the fault of the Marriott muffin in my book bag. I wrapped it carefully in napkins, but it still found a way to somehow wreak havoc. I do bear some responsibility, though, given the fact that I smuggled it from the hotel in the first place. And darn it all, it ended up being chocolate chip instead of blueberry.

Sincerely,
Cinnamon

15. Dear Marriott,

Quit tricking people with your blueberry-looking chocolate chip muffins.

Very Sincerely,
Cinnamon

16. Iowa can be very cold. Thank you, Lord, for the genius of skywalks.

17. When you request Family Force 5 or TobyMac from the rollerskating DJ and the only song he has is "Gone" by TobyMac, the obvious answer is to dedicate it to Pastor Gabe while he finishes up his time in Saudi Arabia. Wish he could have heard his kids cheer when he was given a shout-out. *smile*

18. Assault by foil ball!

19. No Carcassonne. :'(

20. "Loving people is simply our love for God made public." ~Jarrod Jones

Givin' this blog mouth-to-mouth...

2009-12-02T10:26:00.002-06:00

This is stolen from my sister. But that's OK because she stole it from someone else. Apparently, we are both thieves.

Outside my window...scattered leaves and a stray croquet ball from this summer.

I am thinking...I want to be a person who lets people know they are loved and important.

I am thankful for...each day God gives me.

From the learning rooms...more Civil War. Be patient with me. It was a long war.

From the kitchen...a spoon of peanut butter. Later on, spaghetti.

I am wearing...mismatched pajama top and pants. Floral flannel on the bottom and brown cotton trimmed with light blue lace on the top. It's not a bad look, really.

I am creating...a Christmas masterpiece for my sister's tree. I hope she likes unicorns. And twisty-ties.

I am going...to run away to Wisconsin. I want to anyway. Note to self: Call Summer about running away to Wisconsin.

I am reading...Living the Resurrection by Eugene H. Peterson of "The Message" fame. It's interesting. Thought-provoking. And I see a theme as God's sovereignty directs my reading. I've disagreed a time or two in these first 42 pages, which may prompt an email to the author. You never know. He might send a response. If he's a real man. ;) Totally kidding.

I am hoping...to find the right words. I am also hoping for matching dishes and silverware because I can't take much more of this.

On my mind...regrets. Kind of a downer, but at least I'm honest?

I am hearing...Tim Hawkins. He is in my kitchen at this very moment.

Around the house...are lots of projects and lots of little things I love. Like my wrought iron pig with wings. He is adorable.

One of my favorite things...platters. Strange, I know.

A few plans for the rest of the week...writing an outline, Christmas Gathering, baking cookies and making carmels with my Sophcat, and a few other things.

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast...

2009-02-27T08:46:00.002-06:00

OK, so not all of the time, but I'm learning.

Not good news. Horrible news, in fact. My dear friend said it's like being in a boxing ring and she just keeps getting punched and punched and punched. And you get up again only to take more punches.

So many lessons for each of us in this kind of adversity. My lessons? In the midst of learning about prayer and intercession and godly sorrow vs. worldly sorrow, there are some humbling lessons on what it truly means to lay down my life for someone else. "See if there be any wicked way in me and lead me into the everlasting..."

A lot of selfishness has been exposed in me. Selfishness and self-pity. I have no phone. I have no money. I am sick, so I can't see them. I feel like I can do nothing. (Yes, I know prayer is the most important thing, but we're talking about selfishness here and when does sin ever make sense?) I want to be the one to run errands for them, to comfort them, to provide for them, to make their life easier. I,I,I,I...

And then God in His neverending grace and mercy is my comfort. Even in this, He is my consolation. Such a wonderful heavenly Father. Which is, for me, the most important lesson of all. See your sin and then move on. Do something about it and then thank God for His forgiveness and mercy. It's so easy to beat yourself up, to dwell on your wretchedness.

Now there's a cycle of sin if there ever was one. Self-loathing is just another form of self-pity which is just another form of pride. Oh, how we love to think of ourselves often and with such intensity. So we'll be having none of that, thank you very much. I will choose to be grateful to God for His mercy in illuminating those things which hinder the pure heart I so deeply desire.

Ever hear of Francois Fenelon? He wrote on this very subject:

"Little faults become great and even monstrous in our eyes, to the extent that we increase in the pure light of God. Just as the rising sun reveals the true size of objects which were seen dimly during the night, the increase of inward light will show our imperfections to be far greater and more deadly in their roots than we had thought them. We witness, in addition, a host of other faults, of whose existence we had not the slightest suspicion. We find the weaknesses necessary to deprive us of all confidence in our own strength. This discovery, however, far from discouraging us, serves to destroy our self-reliance and to raze to the ground the edifice of pride. Nothing marks so decidedly the solid progress of a soul as being able to view its own depravity without being disturbed or discouraged...

We must be neither astonished or disheartened. We are not more wicked than we were. We are really less so, but while our evil diminishes, our light increases, and we are struck with horror at its extent. But let us remember, for our consolation, that the perception of our disease is the first step in its cure."

...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words...

2009-02-20T10:00:00.002-06:00

We covet the prayers of the saints for our friends. A young girl with bone cancer and a father with lung cancer, both so precious to people we love and even more to God Himself.

Lord, in your mercy...

For a fat woman, I have amazing muscle definition in my calves...

2009-02-19T13:58:00.001-06:00

It's just true.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain...

2009-02-18T15:26:00.003-06:00

Not going to lie. I'm feeling very burdened. I've reconnected with three friends in the past 24 hours, all of whom are facing incredibly painful situations. Cancer, divorce, abandonment, loved ones abandoning their faith. Add to that all of the financial strain, job loss, marital dischord, known and unknown illnesses and people just hurting in general.

I am challenged all through the day to stay focused on the smallest of tasks. My thoughts are so often wandering toward the people I love instead of staying fixed on things like "school" and "feeding my family". (Picture grossly exaggerated finger quotes ala Chris Farley. *laugh*)

OK, Leo is cawing like a giant crow or something. Over and over. Very loudly. I should go do something about that...

AARGH...

2009-02-14T08:52:00.003-06:00

I keep clicking the wrong things!

It is what it is...

2009-02-03T16:55:00.002-06:00

I'd love to fashion this into something artful or poetic or useful. But I'm afraid that is not going to happen. *laugh* I love other formats I see on blogger. I love the way other people write and the things they choose to post. It's interesting insight into who they are as people and I love that.

So here is my day with some of my ponderings. I'm not going to list the everyday things. Some things are just a given in our life, so I won't take the time.

I ate a creme horn. Somehow that sentence sounds awkward in my head even though it is grammatically sound and all.

I read another chapter from The Excellent Wife and highlighted and chicken-scratched all over it. One could teach a very practical and possibly life-changing class with this material. That excites me.

I tried to convince Walt Rollman to wear a dress through several humorous emails exchanged. This will not be funny to anyone who doesn't know Walt Rollman. I enjoy that man.

I made homemade Hamburger Helper today. As in, nothing came from a box of any sort. A bag and some cans, yes. A box, no. Ian loves this stuff. The onions are very, very tiny. *squints eyes to try seeing the onions*

I went to bed at 10:30 last night. Didn't even get through the first paragraph of The Flames of Rome. It's gonna happen one day. I can feel it.

I woke up at 4:21. Earlier than that, actually, but that was the first I looked at the clock. I did lay on the couch for a nap at about 6:30. Slept until 8:00ish. I am starting to not feel as sleep-deprived, but I hate taking a nap each morning. Shifts our entire day. Oh, well. I'm not willing to die young and 4-5 hours of sleep each night would send me to an early grave. Do that for two years and see if you don't have a difficult time concentrating. *laugh*

Chad's playlist is awesome. I want to explore the music of Jeremy Riddle because Sweetly Broken is an amazing song. I can hear Marabelle singing it. Someone said they both do a "fuzzy thing" with their voices. Anyway, great playlist. I love my brother-in-law. He did eat my sister's flying chip after all.

Sophie's little clay creatures have been fired and they are adorable. I should post a picture. She is also creating a chess set. Can't wait to see that.

I think we're going to basketball. I think.

Ciao!

My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and Earth...

2009-02-03T05:01:00.005-06:00

Bearing one another's burdens is such a mystery. Feeling the weight of another person's anguish. Another person's searching. Someone else's diseased body. Someone else's hope for their future. Someone else's troubled marriage. Someone else's sick child. Someone else's broken trust.

"I am praying for you."

But am I praying as I ought? Of all my inadequacies, Lord, please help me to be faithful in THIS. So often my intellect fails me. Can I call this prayer? They are formless. Wordless. A gripping awareness of their need and my deepest longing for God to do something. Because I love them so dearly. And because I know He is able.

I know that You are able.

Why can't I post the picture of this crazy cake from Cake Wrecks?

2009-02-02T00:28:00.006-06:00

I am perplexed.

Life is good...

2009-02-01T00:09:00.003-06:00

Little bits of loveliness slash hilarity from this past week...

Panera with Sophie Joy...just the two of us.

Chocolate ice cream for breakfast. [/confession]

Origami hearts by Mara. Also zebras, unicorns and gorillas. Yes, gorillas. Gorillas with irregular curvature of the spine.

Half-price Blizzards at DQ.

Ballard basketball.

Lunch with girlfriends. Dinner with old friends and new.

Me: Ian, can you please load these dishes?
Ian: Can it wait a few minutes? I'm reading to the cats.

A girlfriend that takes time out of her busy life to take MY little girl to lunch. [/blessed]

The first paragraph of The Flames of Rome. It's all the further I've gotten in five attempts. Yes, I said "paragraph". Not to be mistaken for "chapter".

Unconventional cootie-catchers, compliments of Sophie.

A husband that remembers our first kiss like it was yesterday. Which is exactly as it should be.

Leo's use of "lmao" while having no idea what it means. No, Leo, it does not mean "lame-o".

Marabelle browsing allrecipes.com. It's going to be lovely, dear one.

Ten pounds of potatoes peeled by Ian without missing a single Family Force 5 beat.

A dad that is willing to stand by his little girl. Even when she is 39 years old.

Goodnight hugs from freshly showered 11 year old boys.

Listening to Mara watch "Psych" online. She really does giggle. A lot sometimes.

I should stop now. Really. *smile*

Hahaha...

2009-01-29T05:10:00.000-06:00

I had no idea there were comments from Manda, Mom and someone named Roxanne.

I don't quite know why I can't get into this blogger thing. Maybe it's the time required. Maybe it's because I tend to shy away from the lastest craze and blogging has certainly become that. Maybe I smell a faint odor of narcissism and it repels me. *laugh*

I started a blogger so that I could post on someone else's blogger while they were away. Then I used it a couple of times to respond to Mara, my very computer-y daughter. I will admit I've attempted some posts that I ended up trashing for various reasons. Just wasn't feeling it. Maybe I just need more of a reason to do it regularly.

For the record, I do not like the way this blog looks. It's just all wrong. *laugh*

Never a dull moment...

2008-11-19T02:00:00.001-06:00

One question: Will the boys cry themselves to sleep when they're teenagers? I'm guessing not.

If I'd had more room on the page...

2008-03-28T13:05:00.000-05:00

I had to get this thought down. It's a continuation of the letter. So those lines stuck out from that Copeland song...

"if I have acted ungracefully"
and
"I hope that you look back before you go, 'cause grace looks back before it starts to leave"

Add this paraphrase from Beth Moore to it (which I would love for you and Sophie to watch with me since you've already seen some of it):

"We never have a Biblical mandate to love blindly. God calls us to KNOW a person, to love with a depth of understanding and insight. Ask God for it!! Something is broken in THEM and US - and God knows what it is! It will awaken compassion within us and remind us of our own brokenness. It will allow us to love like Christ."

So when we think of "Testy" or our "enemies" or those that are a joy to love, we have a duty to love with insight.

None of us will ever love perfectly. We will hurt one another and disappoint one another and perturb one another. I hurt you yesterday morning. I hurt Sophie as well. I have hurt your dad, my little boys, my sister, my friends. At times I am just plain irritating. I am certain there is not a single person in relationship with me that has not been hurt or disappointed at some point. But the most honest(and coincidentally the most fragile)parts of my heart echo the words of that song: "If you don't find the love you want, if I have acted ungracefully, I don't want to see you go, I never meant to make you want to leave". In humility, can we ask one another for sincerity and honesty, but most of all the grace of Jesus? In love, can we give one another sincerity and honesty and the grace of Jesus? So that we can learn and love one another better next time?

Loving is some of the hardest work we will ever do, but it is a pleasing sacrifice to Him.

There are not enough song lines in the world to do this justice...

2007-08-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

So, yes. Mara has done some dedication posts in her blog and I decided to copy her and do the same, except that she is now the subject. Maybe I'll do more, maybe I won't. But after the week she has had...well, I want her to know she is loved.

She chooses a line from a song for each post title and I am going to try to do something similar in her honor. More than a dedication, I want to attempt a portrait of her with words, knowing full well that this will end up looking more like a child's awkward paint-by-number than the masterpiece it should be.

~*~

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

I used to sing her to sleep with that song. She was a wide-eyed little girl with a mop of loose curls that bounced up and down when she swaggered around. Yes, she swaggered. She was perfectly articulate and full of curiosity. "What is the difference between a dot and a spot? Why can't girls be uncles and who decided that? Do minutes ever come back or are they gone forever?" She didn't talk incessantly like some two year olds. She was usually far too lost in deep thought.

I also sang the Barney song to her. That was a heinous song then and it's a heinous song now, but she loved it so I sang it. *shudder*

Now I know my life has meaning...

Her dad danced with her for the first time ever, tears running down his face, on February 14, 1991. She was barely six weeks old. I hope to see them dance to this on her wedding day. Assuming she has a wedding. One can't always be too sure of those things. We're hoping for one, anyway. And if not, we'll just throw a huge party and have a father/daughter dance then. So there. *laugh*

Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings...

Have you noticed that Mara doesn't have a lot of girl friends? Yeah, that's because girls are a lot of work. *laugh* I love girls. I am a girl! But it's true. And one of the not so typical things about Mara is that she is not overly worried about doing what everyone else is doing for the sake of fitting in or even for the sake of at least not being a complete outsider. *laugh*

She truly does not understand the point of most girl drama or why it has to be so...dramatic. She is a one-on-one person and is not as comfortable in the pack that girls usually travel in. She won't typically go to the restroom unless she actually needs to use it and she won't tell all of her girl friends that they are the MOSTBEAUTIFULGIRLEVAROMYGOSHTEXTMEKTHXBAI, because it simply defies logic; there can not be more than one "mostbeautifulgirlevar" and she is not going to tell you that you're that girl unless you really are that girl. She is fiercely loyal, but she doesn't have it in her to pretend with anyone in that way. She doesn't necessarily look down on anyone else for doing those things. In fact, sometimes I think she wishes they came a little more naturally for her. It would certainly make her life easier in some ways. *laugh*

On the downside, she could mistakenly be seen as aloof or snobbish and I suspect she often is seen that way. On the upside, if Mara compliments you or hugs you or asks you about your day, it is coming from a very, very genuine place.

That last part about hugging only applies to girls, because the issue of hugs and boys is an altogether different one and she might kill me if I talked about it here. So I am going to stop talking about that. Right now. See? I'm done.

Just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want...

Mara has always been a strong-willed girl. She likes for things to be her idea and has even admitted that she doesn't like being told what to do. But things are softening in her. She has even talked of a submission that she is looking forward to one day. Now...who, but God, could have done that. *smile*

Well, my getaway car is this beat up guitar...

Mara started asking about guitar when she was probably six or seven. We thought it best that she learned piano first, so we forced her to learn. Well, we thought we were forcing her. *laugh* That was rather short-lived and then she was back to asking about guitar.

It was a couple more years, once we were pretty well convinced that it wasn't a passing desire, before I started praying for God's provision. And God did provide. Quickly. He was ready for her to make some music. So she did. *smile*

I'm a sucker for a kind word and I'll just hurt until I find one...

One two-word phrase that describes Mara? Low maintenance. She will not tell you what she needs from you. She won't even let on that she needs anything. She probably will not be disappointed in you or think ill of you for not giving it to her. Most likely, she will simply think you have other more important things to do. And she will believe that. And most likely she will convince herself that she is OK without it.

Please understand that words are powerful to her. Even still, she has this uncanny ability to disregard anything unkind that is directed her way. If you hurt her feelings, she will more than likely choose to give you the benefit of the doubt. She will not dwell on it, she will not treat you differently for it, she will simply try to shrug it off and wait for something better next time.

Speak but a whisper, I'll hear a sermon...

But when someone gets it right? When someone speaks just the right word or troubles themselves with even the smallest of gestures? She is filled to overflowing and she loves you for it. As if you had been taking care of her all along. She is incredibly generous in spirit that way.

Probably one of my most heartfelt prayers for her is that God would bless her with friends and, eventually, a husband who will cherish her with more than just a mere whisper. I can't imagine the sermon she will hear then. *smile*

You have my attention, like a shout through an empty sanctuary...

I have nothing for this, but it is such a beautiful line and it reminds me of her.

I shall never grow up, make believe is much too fun...

Mara is a girl who spent a lot of years of her life taking everything very seriously. No one forced her to do this, nor did circumstances make it necessary. She was very shy as a little girl. If people approached her too suddenly or too loudly she would not look at them. She would ever so slowly and deliberately turn away from them until they were no longer in her field of vision. She would stare at the clock in the car and wondered what happened to each minute once the little green number changed. She sought reassurance at the faintest noise imagineable. She knew instantly when the gas light would come on in the car and she would remind me over and over again that we needed gas. I think she was four or five at the time. *laugh*

One of my prayers for her has been that she would just allow herself to be a little girl. Something we had a lot of trouble coaxing out of her when she was younger. I am so thankful that God is answering that prayer. Her fixation with butterflies (including being one herself!), her love for babies, the way she clutches a stuffed animal or saves scraps of paper even for just the few words written on them, the way she gravitates toward things that comfort her when she's missing a person or a place. The way she dances with only her index fingers and a tiny shake of her hips, the way she can't wait to run outside with the first drops of rain or twirl her skirts in the mirror on Sunday morning. The way she gets giddy about brewing a cup of tea, the way she doodles song lines that remind her of people, the way she paints her fingernails CONSTANTLY, the way she sets aside special trinkets she has outgrown for a little girl she loves. Her love for Teddy Grahams. The way she asks me to babysit her string cheese. *laugh* Mara is not a silly girl. This is simply what maturing looks like on her. It is a beautiful thing and I hope she stays this way forever.

Sing with your head up, with your eyes closed
Not because you love the song
Because you love to sing...

When Mara is on stage, something happens. She does not suddenly become a super confident person. She is just doing what she loves and probably one of the things God created her for. There is a lesson in there for each of us.

If you listen closely, you may find that she is singing about you. She may not have the spoken words to tell you, but when she sings it is with all her heart. That is just one reason why she needs to keep singing.

You are loved, Marabelle. And I am so proud of you and the woman you are becoming, even in the midst of difficult decisions.

~*~

I have to stop writing. As it is no one reads this blogger so it may be quite pointless and it's so long that even Mara probably won't read it. *laugh*

I've only scratched the surface, though. I didn't talk about her Sharpie obsession or her desire for a family or the way her heart is, thankfully, on the mend after being wounded a time or two or three by friends who once loved her or her fear of spiders or her longing to not suck so horribly at four-square and dodge ball and volleyball (her words, not mine) so that she knows what to do with herself when her friends are playing or her secret desire for a nickname (Marmalade!). Yep. This is already waaaaaay too long. *laugh*

*love*