Monday, August 20, 2007

There are not enough song lines in the world to do this justice...

So, yes. Mara has done some dedication posts in her blog and I decided to copy her and do the same, except that she is now the subject. Maybe I'll do more, maybe I won't. But after the week she has had...well, I want her to know she is loved.

She chooses a line from a song for each post title and I am going to try to do something similar in her honor. More than a dedication, I want to attempt a portrait of her with words, knowing full well that this will end up looking more like a child's awkward paint-by-number than the masterpiece it should be.


You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

I used to sing her to sleep with that song. She was a wide-eyed little girl with a mop of loose curls that bounced up and down when she swaggered around. Yes, she swaggered. She was perfectly articulate and full of curiosity. "What is the difference between a dot and a spot? Why can't girls be uncles and who decided that? Do minutes ever come back or are they gone forever?" She didn't talk incessantly like some two year olds. She was usually far too lost in deep thought.

I also sang the Barney song to her. That was a heinous song then and it's a heinous song now, but she loved it so I sang it. *shudder*

Now I know my life has meaning...

Her dad danced with her for the first time ever, tears running down his face, on February 14, 1991. She was barely six weeks old. I hope to see them dance to this on her wedding day. Assuming she has a wedding. One can't always be too sure of those things. We're hoping for one, anyway. And if not, we'll just throw a huge party and have a father/daughter dance then. So there. *laugh*

Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings...

Have you noticed that Mara doesn't have a lot of girl friends? Yeah, that's because girls are a lot of work. *laugh* I love girls. I am a girl! But it's true. And one of the not so typical things about Mara is that she is not overly worried about doing what everyone else is doing for the sake of fitting in or even for the sake of at least not being a complete outsider. *laugh*

She truly does not understand the point of most girl drama or why it has to be so...dramatic. She is a one-on-one person and is not as comfortable in the pack that girls usually travel in. She won't typically go to the restroom unless she actually needs to use it and she won't tell all of her girl friends that they are the MOSTBEAUTIFULGIRLEVAROMYGOSHTEXTMEKTHXBAI, because it simply defies logic; there can not be more than one "mostbeautifulgirlevar" and she is not going to tell you that you're that girl unless you really are that girl. She is fiercely loyal, but she doesn't have it in her to pretend with anyone in that way. She doesn't necessarily look down on anyone else for doing those things. In fact, sometimes I think she wishes they came a little more naturally for her. It would certainly make her life easier in some ways. *laugh*

On the downside, she could mistakenly be seen as aloof or snobbish and I suspect she often is seen that way. On the upside, if Mara compliments you or hugs you or asks you about your day, it is coming from a very, very genuine place.

That last part about hugging only applies to girls, because the issue of hugs and boys is an altogether different one and she might kill me if I talked about it here. So I am going to stop talking about that. Right now. See? I'm done.

Just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want...

Mara has always been a strong-willed girl. She likes for things to be her idea and has even admitted that she doesn't like being told what to do. But things are softening in her. She has even talked of a submission that she is looking forward to one day. Now...who, but God, could have done that. *smile*

Well, my getaway car is this beat up guitar...

Mara started asking about guitar when she was probably six or seven. We thought it best that she learned piano first, so we forced her to learn. Well, we thought we were forcing her. *laugh* That was rather short-lived and then she was back to asking about guitar.

It was a couple more years, once we were pretty well convinced that it wasn't a passing desire, before I started praying for God's provision. And God did provide. Quickly. He was ready for her to make some music. So she did. *smile*

I'm a sucker for a kind word and I'll just hurt until I find one...

One two-word phrase that describes Mara? Low maintenance. She will not tell you what she needs from you. She won't even let on that she needs anything. She probably will not be disappointed in you or think ill of you for not giving it to her. Most likely, she will simply think you have other more important things to do. And she will believe that. And most likely she will convince herself that she is OK without it.

Please understand that words are powerful to her. Even still, she has this uncanny ability to disregard anything unkind that is directed her way. If you hurt her feelings, she will more than likely choose to give you the benefit of the doubt. She will not dwell on it, she will not treat you differently for it, she will simply try to shrug it off and wait for something better next time.

Speak but a whisper, I'll hear a sermon...

But when someone gets it right? When someone speaks just the right word or troubles themselves with even the smallest of gestures? She is filled to overflowing and she loves you for it. As if you had been taking care of her all along. She is incredibly generous in spirit that way.

Probably one of my most heartfelt prayers for her is that God would bless her with friends and, eventually, a husband who will cherish her with more than just a mere whisper. I can't imagine the sermon she will hear then. *smile*

You have my attention, like a shout through an empty sanctuary...

I have nothing for this, but it is such a beautiful line and it reminds me of her.

I shall never grow up, make believe is much too fun...

Mara is a girl who spent a lot of years of her life taking everything very seriously. No one forced her to do this, nor did circumstances make it necessary. She was very shy as a little girl. If people approached her too suddenly or too loudly she would not look at them. She would ever so slowly and deliberately turn away from them until they were no longer in her field of vision. She would stare at the clock in the car and wondered what happened to each minute once the little green number changed. She sought reassurance at the faintest noise imagineable. She knew instantly when the gas light would come on in the car and she would remind me over and over again that we needed gas. I think she was four or five at the time. *laugh*

One of my prayers for her has been that she would just allow herself to be a little girl. Something we had a lot of trouble coaxing out of her when she was younger. I am so thankful that God is answering that prayer. Her fixation with butterflies (including being one herself!), her love for babies, the way she clutches a stuffed animal or saves scraps of paper even for just the few words written on them, the way she gravitates toward things that comfort her when she's missing a person or a place. The way she dances with only her index fingers and a tiny shake of her hips, the way she can't wait to run outside with the first drops of rain or twirl her skirts in the mirror on Sunday morning. The way she gets giddy about brewing a cup of tea, the way she doodles song lines that remind her of people, the way she paints her fingernails CONSTANTLY, the way she sets aside special trinkets she has outgrown for a little girl she loves. Her love for Teddy Grahams. The way she asks me to babysit her string cheese. *laugh* Mara is not a silly girl. This is simply what maturing looks like on her. It is a beautiful thing and I hope she stays this way forever.

Sing with your head up, with your eyes closed
Not because you love the song
Because you love to sing...

When Mara is on stage, something happens. She does not suddenly become a super confident person. She is just doing what she loves and probably one of the things God created her for. There is a lesson in there for each of us.

If you listen closely, you may find that she is singing about you. She may not have the spoken words to tell you, but when she sings it is with all her heart. That is just one reason why she needs to keep singing.

You are loved, Marabelle. And I am so proud of you and the woman you are becoming, even in the midst of difficult decisions.


I have to stop writing. As it is no one reads this blogger so it may be quite pointless and it's so long that even Mara probably won't read it. *laugh*

I've only scratched the surface, though. I didn't talk about her Sharpie obsession or her desire for a family or the way her heart is, thankfully, on the mend after being wounded a time or two or three by friends who once loved her or her fear of spiders or her longing to not suck so horribly at four-square and dodge ball and volleyball (her words, not mine) so that she knows what to do with herself when her friends are playing or her secret desire for a nickname (Marmalade!). Yep. This is already waaaaaay too long. *laugh*



themockingbyrd said...

I read it! The whole thing!

I also once read Alexandre Dumas' classic, The Count of Monte Cristo, all 1,434 (as memory serves) pages.

It was, it is, a lovely post. You're a good mother.

Delite said...

This is one of the most touching Mama things I've ever read. I love that you love like Moms should.