Monday, January 25, 2010

Time to leave the nest, Little Drafts...

I noticed all of these drafts and thought I'd just post them in their unfinished state. There are probably various reasons they were never posted. I may have been interrupted or it might be that I didn't have the mental energy to turn it into something remotely readable. I tend to get the writing itch when I'm feeling burdened by something that is larger than my words at the moment. That's not so terribly convenient, is it? *laugh*

Draft No. 1
12/11/09 a small vent...tiny in fact

Y'know those "perfect" people who tend to be held up as a shining example of Everything? It's very frustrating to some of us Ordinary Folk when we are privy to the fact that the Shining Examples are not so shining after all. (They never are.) And my beef isn't with the Shining Examples themselves so much as the people that want to put them on a pedestal. Can't you just let them be normal? Who wants to live under that kind of pressure?

(I wish I had typed the rest of this because I'm totally curious how it would have ended. Huh.)

Draft No. 2
3/09/09 It's becoming clear...

I am not a blog person.

(Obviously, this one remained a draft because it was short, sweet and completely pointless. *laugh*)

Draft No. 3
9/29/09 A time for everything...

I'll just test this out and see how I feel about it after a short while.

A significant portion of my life was lived in secret. I hid a lot of things too painful for me to ever share. As a result, I am particularly sensitive to things that seem "hidden". I simply can't ever live that way again because it almost cost me my life. So what for one person may be a simple issue of privacy, for me is a radical undoing of my past. It may very well be that it is my lot in life for the consequence of my past sin. It also may be that it was God's intention for me from the very beginning. That I was made for a certain candor. It really matters very little since the outcome is the same.

I am a person who regularly, as part of life-maintenance, needs a somewhat radical shift in priorities. What can I say? I get off track. Sometimes it is a mere realization, sometimes a gentle rerouting, and other times it involves pulling the plug entirely. I am doing all three right now. *laugh*

I kid that I have ADD, but there are parts of my that often suspect it to be true. Maybe I'll get that checked one day. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm not better about going to the doctor.

(TOTALLY remember this day. See how long this draft is? And how it finds itself all over the map? Yeah, well, those seemingly unrelated paragraphs would have eventually achieved cohesion. "Eventually" being the operative word. "Eventually" as in "after four hours of backspacing through two hours of mental unload". TOTALLY remember this day.)

Well, this has been interesting. And now I am going to delete those drafts so things can be much tidier in here.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Coming uncorked...

Y'know that feeling when your heart and mind are about to explode? Yeah? That's where I'm at.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

On 1/5/10 I almost died...

Soooooo...yeah. Leo enjoys coffee, which is simultaneously cute and worrisome. Our arrangement is that he may brew coffee, with permission, and it must be decaf. Oh, and he has to make enough for me to have some too. So today, like many others, he asks to make a pot of coffee, I say yes, and so on and so forth. The cream in the fridge is about to turn so I decide to indulge myself and instead of my normal mug, I use one of Scott's larger travel mugs. Twice. I did say "indulge", remember?

I woke up with a massive headache this morning and feeling physically spent in general (another story altogether...), but I find myself gradually feeling worse as the minutes pass. And then I start feeling what I imagine a panic attack might be like (I have had one in my life which, too, is another story altogether...). My heart is pounding in my chest, I can't breathe, my eyes go a bit fuzzy and the room starts to rock. After several random episodes of this, it occurs to me "that was not decaf". I ask Leo. He says, "Oh. Yeah." *stare*

I have been caffeine-free for...oh...elevenish years now? Something like that? For this very reason. *stare*

Needless to say, I spent the day feeling like I ought to be in the emergency room. It's been about fifteen hours and I am finally feeling somewhat normal.

On the upside, if you must endure the Department of Motor Vehicles, it might be a good idea to go when you feel like you're going to die. You don't seem to comprehend the crazy-long wait when you're trying to keep your heart from popping out of your chest. You also don't completely comprehend that you were "lost in the computer" nor do you care that you look like a criminal in your new photo.

By the way, Osama and Denzel renewed their licenses today as well. Their pictures turned out nice.

Monday, January 4, 2010


Attended Impact 2010 in Des Moines with 25 awesome high school students and 3 amazing leaders. Here is a random summary in list form because it's so much easier to unload the jumble in my brain when I don't need to find a way to tie it all together in a narrative.

1. Jarrod Jones

2. Rooms on the 22nd floor. Broken elevators. Student in wheelchair. Thank you, Lord, for people who know how to fix things that are broken. Eventually.

3. 1 Corinthians 13:7 Lord, help me to persevere in love. Help ME to PERSEVERE in LOVE. *pounds head on table*

4. Before I state the following, I want to say,"IT WAS ALL WORTH IT AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN." I took six Ibuprofen the morning after rollerskating. As soon as the retreat was over yesterday, I allowed myself to actually feel the even more intense aftermath and ended up taking 1/2 a stolen Darvocet. (Stolen from Mara's wisdom tooth prescription. Not stolen from, say, a MediCap pharmacy. Christmas trees? Yes. Pharmaceuticals? No.)

5. Talked too much in small group. Ugh. Why must I do that? *sigh* I really am awful at leading small groups. Seriously. I should be banned from ever doing that. *laugh*

6. Tasty pastries!

7. Northwestern's Black V has two very funny members. Just two, though. Or maybe I was just tired?

8. Pens don't particularly care for glossy paper. That might be a little known fact.

9. Buzzword!

10. Drunken hotel guests. Thank you, Lord, that I had no students with me on the most awkward elevator ride of my life. *laugh*

11. Spaghetti Works!

12. Family turmoil. It's not so convenient having your heart break when you can't come home.

13. Minato is adorable. She squeaks and sighs a lot when she wakes up.

14. Dear Wendy,

I apologize in advance for giving you a hotel bill with a big grease spot. It is the fault of the Marriott muffin in my book bag. I wrapped it carefully in napkins, but it still found a way to somehow wreak havoc. I do bear some responsibility, though, given the fact that I smuggled it from the hotel in the first place. And darn it all, it ended up being chocolate chip instead of blueberry.


15. Dear Marriott,

Quit tricking people with your blueberry-looking chocolate chip muffins.

Very Sincerely,

16. Iowa can be very cold. Thank you, Lord, for the genius of skywalks.

17. When you request Family Force 5 or TobyMac from the rollerskating DJ and the only song he has is "Gone" by TobyMac, the obvious answer is to dedicate it to Pastor Gabe while he finishes up his time in Saudi Arabia. Wish he could have heard his kids cheer when he was given a shout-out. *smile*

18. Assault by foil ball!

19. No Carcassonne. :'(

20. "Loving people is simply our love for God made public." ~Jarrod Jones