Friday, February 27, 2009

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast...

OK, so not all of the time, but I'm learning.

Not good news. Horrible news, in fact. My dear friend said it's like being in a boxing ring and she just keeps getting punched and punched and punched. And you get up again only to take more punches.

So many lessons for each of us in this kind of adversity. My lessons? In the midst of learning about prayer and intercession and godly sorrow vs. worldly sorrow, there are some humbling lessons on what it truly means to lay down my life for someone else. "See if there be any wicked way in me and lead me into the everlasting..."

A lot of selfishness has been exposed in me. Selfishness and self-pity. I have no phone. I have no money. I am sick, so I can't see them. I feel like I can do nothing. (Yes, I know prayer is the most important thing, but we're talking about selfishness here and when does sin ever make sense?) I want to be the one to run errands for them, to comfort them, to provide for them, to make their life easier. I,I,I,I...

And then God in His neverending grace and mercy is my comfort. Even in this, He is my consolation. Such a wonderful heavenly Father. Which is, for me, the most important lesson of all. See your sin and then move on. Do something about it and then thank God for His forgiveness and mercy. It's so easy to beat yourself up, to dwell on your wretchedness.

Now there's a cycle of sin if there ever was one. Self-loathing is just another form of self-pity which is just another form of pride. Oh, how we love to think of ourselves often and with such intensity. So we'll be having none of that, thank you very much. I will choose to be grateful to God for His mercy in illuminating those things which hinder the pure heart I so deeply desire.

Ever hear of Francois Fenelon? He wrote on this very subject:

"Little faults become great and even monstrous in our eyes, to the extent that we increase in the pure light of God. Just as the rising sun reveals the true size of objects which were seen dimly during the night, the increase of inward light will show our imperfections to be far greater and more deadly in their roots than we had thought them. We witness, in addition, a host of other faults, of whose existence we had not the slightest suspicion. We find the weaknesses necessary to deprive us of all confidence in our own strength. This discovery, however, far from discouraging us, serves to destroy our self-reliance and to raze to the ground the edifice of pride. Nothing marks so decidedly the solid progress of a soul as being able to view its own depravity without being disturbed or discouraged...

We must be neither astonished or disheartened. We are not more wicked than we were. We are really less so, but while our evil diminishes, our light increases, and we are struck with horror at its extent. But let us remember, for our consolation, that the perception of our disease is the first step in its cure."

Friday, February 20, 2009

...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words...

We covet the prayers of the saints for our friends. A young girl with bone cancer and a father with lung cancer, both so precious to people we love and even more to God Himself.

Lord, in your mercy...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain...

Not going to lie. I'm feeling very burdened. I've reconnected with three friends in the past 24 hours, all of whom are facing incredibly painful situations. Cancer, divorce, abandonment, loved ones abandoning their faith. Add to that all of the financial strain, job loss, marital dischord, known and unknown illnesses and people just hurting in general.

I am challenged all through the day to stay focused on the smallest of tasks. My thoughts are so often wandering toward the people I love instead of staying fixed on things like "school" and "feeding my family". (Picture grossly exaggerated finger quotes ala Chris Farley. *laugh*)

OK, Leo is cawing like a giant crow or something. Over and over. Very loudly. I should go do something about that...

Saturday, February 14, 2009


I keep clicking the wrong things!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

It is what it is...

I'd love to fashion this into something artful or poetic or useful. But I'm afraid that is not going to happen. *laugh* I love other formats I see on blogger. I love the way other people write and the things they choose to post. It's interesting insight into who they are as people and I love that.

So here is my day with some of my ponderings. I'm not going to list the everyday things. Some things are just a given in our life, so I won't take the time.

I ate a creme horn. Somehow that sentence sounds awkward in my head even though it is grammatically sound and all.

I read another chapter from The Excellent Wife and highlighted and chicken-scratched all over it. One could teach a very practical and possibly life-changing class with this material. That excites me.

I tried to convince Walt Rollman to wear a dress through several humorous emails exchanged. This will not be funny to anyone who doesn't know Walt Rollman. I enjoy that man.

I made homemade Hamburger Helper today. As in, nothing came from a box of any sort. A bag and some cans, yes. A box, no. Ian loves this stuff. The onions are very, very tiny. *squints eyes to try seeing the onions*

I went to bed at 10:30 last night. Didn't even get through the first paragraph of The Flames of Rome. It's gonna happen one day. I can feel it.

I woke up at 4:21. Earlier than that, actually, but that was the first I looked at the clock. I did lay on the couch for a nap at about 6:30. Slept until 8:00ish. I am starting to not feel as sleep-deprived, but I hate taking a nap each morning. Shifts our entire day. Oh, well. I'm not willing to die young and 4-5 hours of sleep each night would send me to an early grave. Do that for two years and see if you don't have a difficult time concentrating. *laugh*

Chad's playlist is awesome. I want to explore the music of Jeremy Riddle because Sweetly Broken is an amazing song. I can hear Marabelle singing it. Someone said they both do a "fuzzy thing" with their voices. Anyway, great playlist. I love my brother-in-law. He did eat my sister's flying chip after all.

Sophie's little clay creatures have been fired and they are adorable. I should post a picture. She is also creating a chess set. Can't wait to see that.

I think we're going to basketball. I think.


My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and Earth...

Bearing one another's burdens is such a mystery. Feeling the weight of another person's anguish. Another person's searching. Someone else's diseased body. Someone else's hope for their future. Someone else's troubled marriage. Someone else's sick child. Someone else's broken trust.

"I am praying for you."

But am I praying as I ought? Of all my inadequacies, Lord, please help me to be faithful in THIS. So often my intellect fails me. Can I call this prayer? They are formless. Wordless. A gripping awareness of their need and my deepest longing for God to do something. Because I love them so dearly. And because I know He is able.

I know that You are able.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Life is good...

Little bits of loveliness slash hilarity from this past week...

Panera with Sophie Joy...just the two of us.

Chocolate ice cream for breakfast. [/confession]

Origami hearts by Mara. Also zebras, unicorns and gorillas. Yes, gorillas. Gorillas with irregular curvature of the spine.

Half-price Blizzards at DQ.

Ballard basketball.

Lunch with girlfriends. Dinner with old friends and new.

Me: Ian, can you please load these dishes?
Ian: Can it wait a few minutes? I'm reading to the cats.

A girlfriend that takes time out of her busy life to take MY little girl to lunch. [/blessed]

The first paragraph of The Flames of Rome. It's all the further I've gotten in five attempts. Yes, I said "paragraph". Not to be mistaken for "chapter".

Unconventional cootie-catchers, compliments of Sophie.

A husband that remembers our first kiss like it was yesterday. Which is exactly as it should be.

Leo's use of "lmao" while having no idea what it means. No, Leo, it does not mean "lame-o".

Marabelle browsing It's going to be lovely, dear one.

Ten pounds of potatoes peeled by Ian without missing a single Family Force 5 beat.

A dad that is willing to stand by his little girl. Even when she is 39 years old.

Goodnight hugs from freshly showered 11 year old boys.

Listening to Mara watch "Psych" online. She really does giggle. A lot sometimes.

I should stop now. Really. *smile*