Landslide

The most painful, vulnerable thing I have ever experienced is to be disregarded by someone I love. Not just forgotten a time or two, but the realization that they really don't want to be around me the way I want to be around them. It is one thing not to be needed, which is uncomfortable enough to work through, but to not be wanted...I can't find a word for that.

Hi Mom!

I'm down with this, yo. It's cute.

I assume you're changing the color of the font, right?

Yes, my mom is fixing my broken blog. Oh, the things we do for our 40-year old children... ;)

Currently at the top of My Favorite Things...

1. My green Keens. My feet are so in love. I already fantasize about having another pair and which color/style I would choose, which is ridiculous for me to even entertain because they are so stinkin' expensive. Doesn't that prove it's true love? That I would risk sound stewardship for some....shoes?

2. Ellipsis...it allows me to write the way I talk...or at least make the attempt...it works in my head at least.

3. Uncle Wendell's BBQ. Where have you been all my life, Wendell?

4. Marty Casey. This is the closest I will ever get to being one of those crazed Beatles fans. And, technically, I'm over it. But youTube has a way of dredging up the past and I unashamedly admit to watching every single Marty Casey video from RockStar:INXS the other day. I don't care about his other videos. I don't really care about Marty Casey either, but man I loved that show when it aired.

5. Unflooded basements. They're the cat's meow.

On another note...

this blog is in desperate need of repair. It's in such technical shambles. Squatters may take over soon.

Don't let the tough exterior fool you...

It's been lots of days. I don't know how many exactly. Lots. Enough to adjust one would think. That's all that matters in this little story.

The apartment is supercute. I mean, SOO-PURR-KEWT. Her candle-lighting, toilet-cleaning, toaster oven-cooking, barstool-assembling self is as happy as a lark. And should be. She has her own refrigerator magnets after all.

And her $5 decorative branches from IKEA.

Don't forget her library of seven DVDs.

I would be remiss in not mentioning the Babushka doll salt'n'pepper shakers. Cupcake soap. Her own tiny junk drawer. Rice paper lamp. Her prize Hawkeye Snugli. Snuggi? Whatever. She even has two totem poles. *fist pound to our Cherokee people*

God has led her to an amazing new body of believers. Ohmyland, am I thankful for that.

Did I mention my former 'hood is her new stomping ground? Yeah. It's awesome. She can cruise Ingersoll, frequent the original Campbell's, walk to the Art Center, buy kosher meats at the tiny Jewish grocer and then walk around the corner and have some dirty hashbrowns at the Waveland. She can jog down the very boulevard I tp'd as a teenager. She is blocks from the sandwich I ate every week for three years. (Shout out to Suzie's Surprise!) She can feed the geese at the same cemetery pond where I fed geese. And I know in my heart they are the sons and daughters of the exact geese I fed. *cue Circle of Life*

She can be safe.

She loves it and I am thrilled. Truly and deeply. I am so at rest. Truly. And deeply.

And yet there is this tightness in my chest. A wet spot on my cheek that comes from nowhere. A sharp lump in my throat. Or my heart. I am learning there is really not much difference.

Lean in so you can hear this, Little Blog...sometimes I catch myself not breathing. True story. So far Someone always bypasses that tricky diaphragm of mine and reminds me to take a gulp of air. Or two. Or three.

I know lots of moms sending their sons and daughters off to college. We have not been a part of that universal exodus. My little bird has already left our nest. My heart is going out to each of them though. I want to care for them and check on them and be there for them. And so I will, swallowing that pesky lump as I go.

I am glad we had this chat, Little Blog. Let's just keep that whole breathing thing between you and me.

Hello, Insecurity...

I am almost finished with Beth Moore's new book, So Long, Insecurity, and let me just say that I have never in my life been as insecure about my insecurities as I am right now. I should have known. She admitted to this very thing herself, so I should have seen it coming. But, oh buddy, I had no idea it would hit this hard. I would laugh if it weren't so cotton-pickin' painful and humiliating. OK, typing that made me laugh which confirms there is hope for the future. *laugh*

In an effort to be transparent, I'm going to start listing some of my common psychotic tendencies. Keep in mind this list is not exhaustive even though each and every one of these has completely exhausted me at one time or another. I'm not even sure what's going to come out of this brainstorm so it could get interesting.

*I wonder if I'm a horrible cook if I bring home leftovers from our monthly church potluck. I already KNOW I am not a horrible cook, but it doesn't keep me from wondering.

*When I watch the relating going on between the adults and students at Overflow, I am convinced I am the world's worst youth leader. On the planet. This very, very large planet. I have actually reasoned that I shouldn't quit because I can at least do the grunt work so that all the other wonderful youth leaders will be freed up to do all of their wonderful youth leading.

*If I pour my heart (or brain) out to someone in an email, even a very close friend, and I get no response, I tend to convince myself they are freaked out by my obnoxious candor and their non-response is the least confrontational way they can think to maintain healthy boundaries.

OK, I've decided three examples is enough. Reading it in black and white is...so much worse. *laugh* Father God, you've got your work cut out for you.

Current Stream of Consciousness

I am just going to let it tumble out freely with no restrictions. I apologize in advance for where that may take us...*laugh*

The latest I Can't Believe It's Not Butter ad campaign has got to be the most ridiculous thing on television. Seriously? Is this for real?

I miss my Grams. Would it be completely wrong to ditch my husband and children and hitch a ride to her farm with my parents? Over Easter weekend? Maybe we should just all go. The farm could boast a pretty awesome Easter egg hunt, that's for sure.

Something is wrong with my neck.

I may regret typing that last thing.

Pancakes. They are awesome. For some reason, I want to eat some with butter and raspberry syrup. Right now. It's OK, though, because there are no pancakes OR raspberry syrup here.

I like Gerard Butler.

I don't like our current educational system. What a farce. A soul-extinguishing, family-destroying corruption. There. I said it. I don't feel quite this strongly on most days, but I'm posting this TODAY and I did say I was going to let tumble out in its most natural state.

I think I would like to do some crafts with the boys tomorrow. Maybe watercolor painting. Or pastel drawing. Something.

I have two daughters going to prom this year. I am excited for them. They are going to have so much fun dressing up and I am glad they get to go together.

It's very late now.

Today in Words...

Three posts in one day. I know. Weird. But I'm not sleepy and I have some things swimming in my brain.

*I am reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. Very good so far. Read something today that was exactly the truth I need. I love it when that happens.

*I made granola today. My kids are excited.

*All prepared for Bible study. It's one of my favorite feelings.

*Also sort of reading Captivating. "Sort of" because I don't have a copy. Both Mara and Sophie are reading it right now and I occasionally snag one of their copies and do some reading of my own. It resonates. Enough that I am pondering/praying over inviting some people to officially read it with me.

*Little Caesar's has come to Ames. This makes me happy. Crazy Bread makes me happy.

*I am having some painful back issues. Grrrrr. I wish I didn't have such high tolerance for pain and discomfort. It makes it difficult for me to discern when it's time to see a doctor.

*An internet friend from New Zealand has lost a tremendous amount of weight and now he is appearing on local talk shows. I am so excited for him. His name is Kepa Tairua. And I know how to pronouce it correctly.

*I think I grow attachments to people too easily. Or something like that. I don't know any other way to be, though. Lord, show me my heart in this and then if need be replace it with Yours.

*I love menu planning. I used to do it every week on a website for stay at home moms. Tomorrow we are having frozen pizza because there is a basketball game. Frozen pizza is not so compelling. *laugh*

Sleep needs me now.

Hahahaha...

The date is messed up on the last post because I just now posted it even though I wrote it some time ago. The only reason this is funny to me is because the point of the post was to post drafts and it too was a draft for about four weeks. This is actually not funny at all. I'm just explaining and for some reason called it funny, even though it was only just mildly amusing. If that. And who am I explaining this to? Uhhhhh...no one. It's just me in here.

Time to leave the nest, Little Drafts...

I noticed all of these drafts and thought I'd just post them in their unfinished state. There are probably various reasons they were never posted. I may have been interrupted or it might be that I didn't have the mental energy to turn it into something remotely readable. I tend to get the writing itch when I'm feeling burdened by something that is larger than my words at the moment. That's not so terribly convenient, is it? *laugh*

Draft No. 1
12/11/09 a small vent...tiny in fact

Y'know those "perfect" people who tend to be held up as a shining example of Everything? It's very frustrating to some of us Ordinary Folk when we are privy to the fact that the Shining Examples are not so shining after all. (They never are.) And my beef isn't with the Shining Examples themselves so much as the people that want to put them on a pedestal. Can't you just let them be normal? Who wants to live under that kind of pressure?

(I wish I had typed the rest of this because I'm totally curious how it would have ended. Huh.)


Draft No. 2
3/09/09 It's becoming clear...


I am not a blog person.

(Obviously, this one remained a draft because it was short, sweet and completely pointless. *laugh*)


Draft No. 3
9/29/09 A time for everything...


I'll just test this out and see how I feel about it after a short while.


A significant portion of my life was lived in secret. I hid a lot of things too painful for me to ever share. As a result, I am particularly sensitive to things that seem "hidden". I simply can't ever live that way again because it almost cost me my life. So what for one person may be a simple issue of privacy, for me is a radical undoing of my past. It may very well be that it is my lot in life for the consequence of my past sin. It also may be that it was God's intention for me from the very beginning. That I was made for a certain candor. It really matters very little since the outcome is the same.


I am a person who regularly, as part of life-maintenance, needs a somewhat radical shift in priorities. What can I say? I get off track. Sometimes it is a mere realization, sometimes a gentle rerouting, and other times it involves pulling the plug entirely. I am doing all three right now. *laugh*


I kid that I have ADD, but there are parts of my that often suspect it to be true. Maybe I'll get that checked one day. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry I'm not better about going to the doctor.

(TOTALLY remember this day. See how long this draft is? And how it finds itself all over the map? Yeah, well, those seemingly unrelated paragraphs would have eventually achieved cohesion. "Eventually" being the operative word. "Eventually" as in "after four hours of backspacing through two hours of mental unload". TOTALLY remember this day.)

Well, this has been interesting. And now I am going to delete those drafts so things can be much tidier in here.

Coming uncorked...

Y'know that feeling when your heart and mind are about to explode? Yeah? That's where I'm at.

On 1/5/10 I almost died...

Soooooo...yeah. Leo enjoys coffee, which is simultaneously cute and worrisome. Our arrangement is that he may brew coffee, with permission, and it must be decaf. Oh, and he has to make enough for me to have some too. So today, like many others, he asks to make a pot of coffee, I say yes, and so on and so forth. The cream in the fridge is about to turn so I decide to indulge myself and instead of my normal mug, I use one of Scott's larger travel mugs. Twice. I did say "indulge", remember?

I woke up with a massive headache this morning and feeling physically spent in general (another story altogether...), but I find myself gradually feeling worse as the minutes pass. And then I start feeling what I imagine a panic attack might be like (I have had one in my life which, too, is another story altogether...). My heart is pounding in my chest, I can't breathe, my eyes go a bit fuzzy and the room starts to rock. After several random episodes of this, it occurs to me "that was not decaf". I ask Leo. He says, "Oh. Yeah." *stare*

I have been caffeine-free for...oh...elevenish years now? Something like that? For this very reason. *stare*

Needless to say, I spent the day feeling like I ought to be in the emergency room. It's been about fifteen hours and I am finally feeling somewhat normal.

On the upside, if you must endure the Department of Motor Vehicles, it might be a good idea to go when you feel like you're going to die. You don't seem to comprehend the crazy-long wait when you're trying to keep your heart from popping out of your chest. You also don't completely comprehend that you were "lost in the computer" nor do you care that you look like a criminal in your new photo.

By the way, Osama and Denzel renewed their licenses today as well. Their pictures turned out nice.

Retreating...

Attended Impact 2010 in Des Moines with 25 awesome high school students and 3 amazing leaders. Here is a random summary in list form because it's so much easier to unload the jumble in my brain when I don't need to find a way to tie it all together in a narrative.

1. Jarrod Jones

2. Rooms on the 22nd floor. Broken elevators. Student in wheelchair. Thank you, Lord, for people who know how to fix things that are broken. Eventually.


3. 1 Corinthians 13:7 Lord, help me to persevere in love. Help ME to PERSEVERE in LOVE. *pounds head on table*

4. Before I state the following, I want to say,"IT WAS ALL WORTH IT AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN." I took six Ibuprofen the morning after rollerskating. As soon as the retreat was over yesterday, I allowed myself to actually feel the even more intense aftermath and ended up taking 1/2 a stolen Darvocet. (Stolen from Mara's wisdom tooth prescription. Not stolen from, say, a MediCap pharmacy. Christmas trees? Yes. Pharmaceuticals? No.)


5. Talked too much in small group. Ugh. Why must I do that? *sigh* I really am awful at leading small groups. Seriously. I should be banned from ever doing that. *laugh*


6. Tasty pastries!

7. Northwestern's Black V has two very funny members. Just two, though. Or maybe I was just tired?


8. Pens don't particularly care for glossy paper. That might be a little known fact.


9. Buzzword!


10. Drunken hotel guests. Thank you, Lord, that I had no students with me on the most awkward elevator ride of my life. *laugh*


11. Spaghetti Works!


12. Family turmoil. It's not so convenient having your heart break when you can't come home.


13. Minato is adorable. She squeaks and sighs a lot when she wakes up.


14. Dear Wendy,


I apologize in advance for giving you a hotel bill with a big grease spot. It is the fault of the Marriott muffin in my book bag. I wrapped it carefully in napkins, but it still found a way to somehow wreak havoc. I do bear some responsibility, though, given the fact that I smuggled it from the hotel in the first place. And darn it all, it ended up being chocolate chip instead of blueberry.


Sincerely,
Cinnamon


15. Dear Marriott,


Quit tricking people with your blueberry-looking chocolate chip muffins.


Very Sincerely,
Cinnamon


16. Iowa can be very cold. Thank you, Lord, for the genius of skywalks.


17. When you request Family Force 5 or TobyMac from the rollerskating DJ and the only song he has is "Gone" by TobyMac, the obvious answer is to dedicate it to Pastor Gabe while he finishes up his time in Saudi Arabia. Wish he could have heard his kids cheer when he was given a shout-out. *smile*


18. Assault by foil ball!


19. No Carcassonne. :'(


20. "Loving people is simply our love for God made public." ~Jarrod Jones